(APRIL 22nd, part 1)

I know this is hard. It's hard for all of us. I don't have answers for a lot of it besides just to "wait and see". I gotta go see my mom today. I think she wants the lawn mowed. I'll talk to her about an axe, stump removal chemicals (I'll research ecological impacts first) and a power drill for application of the chems.

We just gotta claw our way along one day at a time. But I can promise you that we are here waiting, loyal and dedicated. I hope that it helps to know that. To even think of you warms our hearts. Both mine and Shanes.

The title for this release was named after a realization I saw a guy in the psych-ward have that stopped him from trying to make constant escape attempts.

(APRIL 22nd pt 2)

Sorry, I'm laid out rn. I always forget that I am not only lactose intolerant now, but that it is severe and hits me fast in warm weather. I helped my mom rake up cut grass today. Boring work but I need money for an axe for the land. Shane got her new computer today which was delivered to her parents.

If I could just sit down and let you talk at me, I would gladly. I feel bad I'm just running my mouth. But it's the only thing I can do for either of us right now.

We have been bad about making it to Ash cave lately. We mostly have been going to the spring down the road and we've been all over the place on what day we've visited there. We'll try to standardize our trips out there again to noon to 1 pm on Sundays. Idk it you ever made it out there even if just to watch us from a car. If you even tried once, I feel bad I didn't tell you we fell off during the flooding.

(APRIL 22nd pt 3)

Ribo reminded me what the third song played today was from, the context of the original reference. "Upside down rock" was on the map in 'Poohs grand adventure', rabbit read the map and it said something like "if this is where you are, you are where monsters are". I don't want to talk at you about it when I can't just talk to you, but if you intentionally played those as a message, I think the message is received.

Come fall you can sit me down and just tell me everything and I will listen no matter what. I used to get bullied in school a lot. It kind of seems like an ever changing challenge keeping up with adapting to situations especial those that are clearly hostile like hostile work environments. When I was trying to fix things last fall I noticed some people at your work went out on limbs to defend even your name and others seemed quick to judge.

Important people are rarely easy to ignore.

I don't talk out of my ass. I wanna say "its gonna be alright" or something like that but not knowing much right now, I don't want to out of fear of offending or hurting you, but I can safely say that I care about you and if you were maybe facing a hard time, I'd want you to know that shane and I are here for you in spirit.

And hey if I jumped to a conclusion, I apologize. But the last thing I want to do is come off as oblivious to your hardships.

Also sorry if this is rushed, we're on the highway, I try to be co-pilot.



... Right... I forgot who your bosses are. And the hell they put us through... If they're giving you hell I apologize. They are probably scrutinizing and catty if not mean spirited. I haven't even called hopewell about casework or anything in two months just to try to keep away from that. I entered this whole situation half asleep. It caught me by surprise and I struggled at the wrong time. Now I'm really trying to remain calculated and to keep poise. If can't make it better I can try my damnedest not to make it worse, I can try to be attentive to signs and I can try to keep us in good standing for this fall.

I checked a map the other night and the land plot might be downhill from a fort ancient era settlement.

I think we're on a good path but the best paths are seldom easy.

I worry about my friends interfering by hoping on here but I can guarantee that I did not give my bandcamp address to anyone else at hopewell. So long as you have kept to yourself about it, no one else there should be have any ability to find it. Cody and Emily don't even know I make art. Some how Jay knew about me making music. Never got to the bottom of how or why. Never gave out my info either. Just carried my setar in.

(APRIL 23rd pt 1)

So our volcano vape (well... Slak's volcano to get technical) shot a bunch if sparks out and shocked my finger... two days ago? We'll be okay. Those things can be fixed... but what a bummer... a bad portent too. You ever read portents? Say you walk up to work or your front door and you find a rare dead bird blocking your path...

Portent.

See many of a common birds in a strange place? Portent.

It doesn't always have to be augury (bird portents) either. Just auspicious signs.

I don't see it as like a "bad sign" so much as an indicator that I have overestimated certain stabilities. Slak probably dropped that thing repeatedly.

(APRIL 23rd pt 2)

I'm gonna be putting up SLAK on my couch and seeking to get them an apartment of their own in a place i can better help them. I'm currently signed on their release if info at a hospital. I need help with the land clearing and they need off the streets and away from people who have possession of hard drugs.

Elise, we love you and I'm keeping shane and I alive and healthy while we wait to see you again. And our friends. Jason across from the new land said he'd plug me in with a local trade network. I can make a better life for all of us. I just gotta be careful not to get too hung up on the chiding of the boomers.

(APRIL 24th pt 1)

Hey Elise. When I'm more awake today I'll tell you more about either my book(s) my comic series I'm trying to get back to or both. I love you so much. Ribo and I talk about you every day.it gets us through the days. We'll get through these times and we will look back and laugh together.

I have DJ, SLAK and Hannah from the hospital to help me with the land and with some of the work up there. Hannah can do stuff like telling me step by step how to build an outbuilding starting with the foundation.

I hope you are doing okay out there. I know work is probably hard and made harder by your bosses. I've been doing my best to keep shane eating to keep her ahead of her ARPHID issues. I think we were meant to meet you and I believe I am meant to submit to and to serve you.

(APRIL 24th pt 2)

Hey Elise. I was out in hocking today with Ribo and smoothing things out for SLAK with their hospital caseworker. Soon I'll try to write up some stuff about my book, the comic, shane's comic and about my hopes for our future. I really wish I could hear you so that I could know what you want. I love you and we'll be thinking of you. I love you and I want you and Ribo to have fun hazing me. I was embarrassed to admit that Ribo had fantasized about being with you and ganging up on me so to speak. The very idea was intoxicating but at a time where there was uncertainty all around me, contributing to my reaction.

Now I'm just dying to see you and lay with you and to hold you. How could I have ever let myself be so blind as to not see that you are perfect for us? I guess I was just too afraid of rejection to even notice the signs that you felt something like we did.

(APRIL 25th pt 1)

Hey Elise. I hope your week is going well. We love you and you're always on our minds. Let me wake up a little and today I'll tell about what I see for a future for you, me and Ribo. With our vape broken at the moment, getting up is harder than it usually is. We'll get it all taken care of. I'll also see if I can have a new release out soon.

We love you. Just a few more months till we can see each other.

(APRIL 25th pt 2)

If I can gleam some meaning from what is played I try not to ignore direct signs; coincidence or otherwise, but anyone can hop onto my page or play any song I've released. It is, on our end, a mess of mixed strange signals and background static that raise the specter of false positives.

I've read about you online. You told me about you and I was I guess kinda just in shocked disbelieve at the privilege of even meeting you to process deeply what your story might add up to. That was months ago, however. I gamed out a lot of serious risks and liabilities openly with Shane and even discussed them with my mother. My father has a psych degree. He neger used it except to try to control me so I learn what I could about human behavior to survive him and carried that with me into life. Lets say I "get the picture" even if I can't rightly know and I'm yet still undeterred.

What did Cobain say... "Come as you are?"

I am NOT perfect, imo, this page should damn well attest to that, but I hope to god that my effort shows and that I make the cut in the areas I don't excel in. I'm sure you have your own worries. Imo it is human to be suspicious of everything and to investigate. I was hurt so badly a good while back by the mental health system that I was as blind to you as Leila was to the significance of fry in Futurama at first and the reason is so obvious it is kind of stupid; the common thread that one could rationally surmise is that I could see the importance but could face the fears of being wrong.

As long as you trust me I trust you. Even if you are going through any hard time and even if you have any fear of being judged. I think fear of being judged is why I acted up the way I did. Especially after how I reacted before, I image you feel afraid our love or even my trust are conditional.

Yesterday I went to Parrish rocks. I asked Abab to continue to keep us all safe. When I asked Abab to let me see you is when we passed in the atrium. Abab being a shorthand for the master of life. So whatever you are going through, we love you whole heartedly.

I do not want to jump to any conclusions nor do I want to air out any your dirt, I air enough of our mutual dirt on here as is. I just do not want you to worry about us loving you any less if you have been having a hard time, especially if it involves your work.

Cody struck me as a menace. My temp caseworker (who disappeared months ago) thought cody was a menace and even the Athens pd and sheriff called cody and I quote "a slime ball".

I'm also sorry because I told you I'd leave you something positive and more future oriented soon. But since it has seemed through my viewership like maybe someone I know has had some rather specific anxiety building that I should reassure them.

As always when I make any leap in logic through this conveyance medium; I am sorry if I have misinterpreted anything. Even when I seemed reticent at first I was only afraid of showing too much and being wrong. Having time to think about it just leaves me terrified you'll fade away or disappear and at this point I'm sure you feel the same about us, maybe even much stronger.

And so I write this stuff and put it up here every day as a candle in the window as if to keep saying "we still love you".

That candle is still lit. It will stay lit as long as it has to.

(APRIL 25th pt 3)

I'm hearing you. Let me see if I can cheer us both up. And Ribo. This update might get kinda added gradually throughout the night.

This won't be easy, if not just because I can't see you while I'm having to tell you all of this. You're so pretty. Your skin, your hair, your eyelids... You make me want a lot of different things.

I have discussed with Ribo what exactly we would do if we could live with you, and it has taken us stages of ideas to come to a final version. I rarely leave home, so I could wear wrist and ankle shackles and a posture collar around the house a lot. So long as we are all in love together, Ribo is comfortable with a consensual game in which you tell me Shane is yours now. You could take her on dates, sleep in our bed, I would only be allowed in the bed when you want me to be there and Ribo could try out being mildly submissive to you. She might tell me that she has not submitted to you and you might tell me either in private in front of her that she has been submitting to you and with details. I would love to be dominated by both of you at once. I'm very aroused by the idea of having to follow many many strict rules and to have restrictions put in place by you as a game. I want to be able to see or to see or to speak only when you and Ribo both want me to. It would be really cute if you like bought shane and ring and had a really serious lesbian relationship with her whilst I was relegated to servanthood within my own home.

While Ribo might be getting strap on fucked in the ass or made to squirt over cereal, i'd likely be the one left to try to eat it. I'd love to be objectified, used, put away, trained... I don't want a bad outcome in life, but I want to feel the sting of desperation. I want to only cum if it amuses you or Ribo, not ever for the selfish pursuit of pleasure. Ribo owns a certain kind of device and would love to let you lock her inside of it sometimes. I wouldn't mind if the time you and I have alone together played out like this: we camp for a night but after a hike you make me smell your hiking shoes and eventually smother me with your feet while you tell me stories about your life, we cuddle and I do anything and everything you ask for to feel pleasured. Anything. Even if you ask me to flip roles. We could cuddle and come morning you could be spitting into my mouth, face sitting me and making me recite humiliating degrading stuff just to make you giggle. Then we could go hike some more. But you could also take shane on special dates.

It would be hot though for sure if you uh... *cough cough* put a ring on Shane... it seems like it would keep things even between you two. I think she kinda wants to switch roles with you sometimes. I would get really turned on by the restriction of being told by you that she is your gf now and i have to ask permission to see you two naked or getting off, even if I'm the one holding the vibrator.

When I was 10, you would've been like 15. You are the type of girl I would've fantasized about being supervised by. Now we're both older. But I still kinda want that feeling. You kinda made some of the first moves and with confidence, so I kinda get really aroused to this fantasy of you just showing up one day and telling me im going to be your slave because you're going to be Shane's gf and that I have to serve you and have no choice. Even a light version if that sounds hot. Like we were your the moment you laid eyes upon us.

For me, being locked and being reduced to crying just to face humiliation and sexual use is its own form of release and cumming doesn't compare with that release. The only thing that relaxing and heart warming to me is being the house servant if a wild and kinda pushy lesbian couple who are nice enough to let me serve them. Ribo really likes holding her piss and talking about you while fingering her ass.

I'd also admittedly live to do more than just sexualize your feet, I would LOVE to massage them, put lotion on them and just over all care for them. You could do stuff like tell me to get "your girlfriend" snacks during movies etc. you could keep advancing the relationship. It would genuinly just make me feel deeper and deeper in love.

Tomorrow I'll see if I can write you something more cheery in terms of my ideas about our future, but I wanted to reciprocate.

I also REALLY would feel heart warmed by being confined by you. It is almost as if restraints or confinement make those things into extensions of you. I want to be broken like a horse. I want to be trained and guided into health and obedience. I want it to be challenging. I want to be possessed by you and ribo. And again if ever you need me to be another way for you I'll do anything you tell me to if it makes you happy. Nothing you ever do could ever make me feel "stalked" because all I want is to surrender myself to you; mind body and soul.

I would love to cook for you and to let you help me set the pace for all my responsibilities. I could never say no to your smile.

(APRIL 26th pt 1)

Sorry, I've been awake for like an hour and a half. Had to eat a banana. Takes time to get the crusty stuff outa my eyelashes. Everything I told you yesterday is really true. I'm all but DYING to let you possess and isolate me. Somedays if we're not in the food for sex I want to go camping, go on picnics etc. i wanna be able to kiss your hands and your forehead. I wanna hold you when you're feeling cold.

I want to take hours just to listen to you. I want to be whipped and loyal. I should be hard for you to train and condition; I get hard at the mere thought of you. I almost feel like I was made for you and Ribo.

Another thing I would love to try out is having to care for yours and ribo's feet during non-sexual times. I want to have to wash them, remove callouses, to care for nails and to help improve softness with lotion. I think this is something should be expected to do like a household chore.

We could still do all of these things with me in bondage of course. I'd be very turned on by the idea of having to wear the collar, cuffs and even a chastity device even on days when nothing is happening.

I want to do stuff like eat my meal under the dinner table sometimes or to be used as furniture by you and Ribo. You are both just so beautiful.

(APRIL 26th pt 2)

I'm sorry, SLAK is still in the hospital. I'm like the only person they feel safe having advocate for them rn. They're doing okay, but I spent a lot of this afternoon on the phone.

I would love to tell you about how beautiful you are for ever but I want to explain a bit of my perspective because it seem that by the songs I saw played earlier that maybe you would like some answers.

I came here looking for a soul that has been missing or a body open to becoming that souls form. It was once my own essence before Katie abused me but she tumbled into the void and I fell in after. She re-emerged into the forsaken body of Alex Snyder in 2014, melding with the flying head presence which dwelt there before her and we together became as we are now. I wouldn't ever want to change, I just miss my sage friend and want to see them in some capacity.

Then there is you... right? So idk if you need to go where I went or if you already became what you must become. I want to just trust you on that subject. Who is gonna know you better than you, right? But i did say several things about this identity we were searching for:

-I would initially not notice this supposed person out of fear of disappointment (like ep 1 of futurama).

-this person would attach to shane initially.

-I would lash out at some point early on and would only realize what had happened once I had already made the mistake.

-That I would want to submit to this person (woman) because, at first out of fear of hurting them as i had before (as in other lives) but eventually but eventually because I genuinely look up to them as a hero and a role model and a leader.

You fit the bill. I cannot even begin to try to deny that. In the book(s) I wriote and am continuing to write, edit and am seeking to publish, "Kanen" and "Abeles" were brothers but were reincarnated Adad and Lamu, two of the original sages. When female, Lamu tended to be domineering over adad.

In my comic adad and lamu are ash and henry. When female, adad as Ash is very domineering but isnt careful or considerate.

If am Adad and if you are Lamu, then it is your time in this life to have the say so. Seems like historically things haven't gone this way for us in a while. We also tend to both incarnate male and then compete for Ribo's attention. We are very luck rn to not be facing down some of these classic archetypal dilemmas.

"Certain people warned me about you"

Yeah I'd imagine. Shortly before we met, I was tortured in the local jail for claiming minority status in the local jail. They fed me somebody from solitary ground up half raw and rotten into a patty. They were a junky. Maybe fetynol. Whatever it was they had, it gave me a seizure. The following winter I lost more weight than I do even in bad winters. I got sensitive to amphetamine users. They smell. Sometimes in winter I get so hungry I could eat anything like when I feel the cold in my marrow. Opiod use smells like burned rubber to me, tbh. Its deterring. Tbh even in light of what I know that sickness is, it only has ever really become dangerous if people, actively addicted to anything or, has stood between me and either equal opportunity for dignity or in the way of my needs.

Hopewell was a train wreck after you left because I was being stupid and wasn't up to date with the plan. I blanked it out for a bit. "The plan" being... this. I did not expect help in reaching out to you at hopewell but I was shocked at the levels of retaliation.

I want to heal. I don't think I "became" a wendigo in jail. My room was cold growing up. My mom had some kind of problem with bleeding placenta when my sister was born so at the age of three I saw her blood all over the bathroom floor and all my dad said to me was "your fucking sister did it. When I was about 4 I saw someone fall at Cedar falls. Compound fractures. Both legs.

I want to healed but I can't tell those hospital fucks that. Not when the healing I desperately need is just what I laid out last night.

I also want to point out that as a native ohioan and as a saami american, some of these "wendigo" symptoms are strain from a modern life style. That is why I bought the land. That is why I need to homestead so badly. Not only do I need a constantly intake of stable nutrition to not go bonkers for bacon, but I feel like I need to give back to others.

My friends used to ask for all kinds of shit. Rides. Instruments. Art. Music. But it has boiled down to what used to only happen in pinches: they all just ask for food and shelter now. It is terrible. So if I can heal and if you and Shane can work together to put me back on my feet, we can figure anything out and take care of the people who need me to look out for them, and the same for you.

Sexually I want to be your inferior (most days, though flexible if invited) but in functionality I want equality among us three especially. I sometimes gotta cycle through a lot of wordings to not come off as corny and/or intoxicated, but please know that we love you so much. You are the cure for my ills.

Shane and I feel luck the luckiest people alive, Elise. We want to grow old with you. I think to have that I just may need to be strictly trained. I want to be. I'm aching for it...

(APRIL 27th pt 1)

I would've typed more, but with SLAK in the hospital I'm getting tons of calls. They are at OHP, so obviously they are going to be seeing things that should be reported, but it is forming kind of a loop. After they are out we are gonna take them to path in logan to see if we can get then all stable and taken care of and house snd we'll be helping still both before and after.

Onto a more fun note cuz I promised.

My limbs turn to jelly at the mere memory of your beautiful voice. I would love to get used in humiliating and degrading ways by both you and Ribo. It would be my pleasure to be repeatedly relegated to being face sat and otherwise used without so much as even a hope for release. Any release I am given should serve the purpose of conditioning me towards serving you and Shane better.

I kind of get off on being treated like a hostage. Especially once multiple women get involved.

Ribo has said before that she enjoys seeing me gagged with socks and thongs. I know Ribo would adore you if you could help both ribo and I stay denied. Ribo likes to be teased but ultimately enjoys having her own orgasms ruined. I enjoy providing pleasure to those who are denying mine.

The thing that gives me the biggest rush in the world is just your smile. Next to you, an orgasm is nothing. Everything seems so small now that've met you. I'm so sorry that I turned my back on you last fall. The Sarar and I just quarreled for months in the woods south of Nel every day in a delirious panic. I did not see him but I addressed him and the wind would vacillate as if in response. A few times after I made pacts to thin air it would suddenly pour rain after the instant of initiation.

I'm freaked tf out by the world anymore. I look at the news but I wish I could not. I know what is coming by approximation enough to know that the hillside we just bought is going to be for riding out the worst of it which is yet to come no doubt.

That plot of land is more than just land. It is our heritage and our right to connect to the land where our ancestors lived and died. It is our right to self sustain even in the face of societal collapse. Ours. I mean yours too. It is only a few miles away from the place where the Sages became immortal in the late Miocene.

I want to be good for you. I realize consciously now just how good for us you are.

I speak not just personally from my perspective of this life time but from my immortal soul when I say that I am sorry for the mistakes that I have made and that I have always loved you.

My closest friends, Shane's folks and my mom are all in the loop on our situation. Enough so at least that they are a) not giving me hell and b) helping me prep this homestead for us. My mom is still working like 18 hour days between private lessons and long term substituting which is the biggest delay in construction at this time.

I'll keep you updated. I know I keep saying this but we love you. It is terrifying being apart but I've been trying to use this time to ready myself and to help Ribo be ready for fall.

(APRIL 27th pt 2)

Tomorrow we'll be at Ash cave but it'll be very early because we will have to head north to meet with family. My grandfathers birthday was the other day. We may end up going Mondays due to time constraints. I'll try to have new music out soon. I miss you terribly. I'm sorry if you are going through a hard time. I *THINK* I get the picture.

Ribo is preparing something to say, I'll post it on here when she is ready. I haven't forgotten about telling you about the non sexual things I said I'd address either, but I try to let what I say to you come naturally when I'm not inundated in distractions.

Also THANK YOU I fixed wrong horse ep. Track three was supposed to be called "I wanna hold you and make it alright but I can’t and that breaks my heart" and when ai was copying over the names I must have botched it.

(APRIL 27th pt 3)

I'm weird. I want things based on past traumas, having a cold mother and for the want of displaying strength and tolerance. I feel uncomfortable without Ribo leading me around but she is in and out of commission sometimes. I want to show that I work hard and I want hassled lightly. I want the release of reaching the edge of what I can bear and just having it all brushed off as my silly reactions to yours or Ribo's fun. That IS my fun. Anything less is boring. Even if I were asked to trade rolls, that would be me acting masochistically. I want to be good and to do what you want me to do. I want to feel your gentleness too. Probably what I actually want is a mix if both. I want to eroticize being told to work, to cook, to clean, to serve in general. It would genuinely turn me on and make me feel validated and relaxed if you and Ribo started a life together; bonding, talking and even sleeping together without my implicit involvement. We love you, Elise. I badly want to live a life of constrained servitude for you and Ribo 24/7. Even if we go on a picnic, I want to know my role, to be open to being trained by you and ribo and to be good for you. I want to be hazed because it is how ribo show's me affection, because I was sexually abused while growing up and because it is thrilling. It makes me feel like marked territory and when it is coming from women I love, I absolutely adore that.

By the way, I think anytime a purple cobra song comes up in bandcamp search, bandcamp tells me what you typed in to find it. Not 100% on that. But I thought that would be useful to you.

(APRIL 28th pt 1***)

I'll admit that mixing is probably the most migraine inducing element if making music. That being said I have a new record down to that last step. I'll try to have it out asap I wanna have something new for you.

I'm going to be typing as a mix and export.

Well... here goes. I think growing up we all have weird paraphelias we either outgrow or that transform into something new. Even before I got abused by Katie, I fantasized about the idea of an abuses sitter, younger teacher... someone in a possition if authority who could abuse their power to use me. It was a guilty interest and one I did not dare try to entertain.

But now I'm an adult and as life got hard abd I got hurt by jail and the mental health system, the idea of a rogue, doctor, psychologist, caseworker or behavioral analyst taking an interest in me and pursuing until she can use her skill set on me off the books at home has replaced childish fantasies and... well... yeah.

The really messed up but convenient thing I am realizing is that with your background, Elise, you probably really could make it the best of both; helpful control to guide me through life AND a fun sex game. I wouldn't be telling you this about my fantasies if I didn't trust you and you alone to be with Ribo and I.

Ultimately, you are what Ribo and I want on out lives. We get bored and we need help sometimes. You are wonderful for curing both. You can help us with our dietary issues and we can produce splendid food at home for you even in-spite of it all these days.