I'm writing this at 11:25 am, nearly a whole day ahead. My hand hurts. I'm usually tired. I'm not compassionate enough. The uncertainty can really burn. Today I wanna take things in a different direction. For all my complaining about trauma and what I have endured, I do the math and you've faced more. I respect that... maybe envy or pity come into play... its complicated because I don't want to idolize your suffering but your strength comes from the strife you have faced and I am head over heals in love with your strength of will. I want to love you for all of your flaws but I want to help you stand strong against those things which you must oppose. I want to be of a forgiving nature and I want us to balance living healthy and living without fear of constant judgement. I know you're the one because you inspired me to keep going when I thought I was beyond hope.

So if you are going through anything lately, I'm here for you even from afar. Without you, I'm an arrow without a shaft. I'm sardonic; cutting and inflexible but yet also unable to launch. I want to be a part of your life no matter what. If you fall into addiction, I want to be able to not only help you but to genuinely bring you comfort and security. Ribo and I all but rely on remembering you to feel happy at this point...

Shane drew the cover for "the pill bug" as a caricature of Sean Zedell, who mixed and contributed (uncredited) on the song "come on in" (the first -/P_C\- song ever) and was at "Keely Fridays", the terrible parties where Sedlak was abused and driven insane. -/P_C\- began as a means of chronicling those parties in the days where I thought fun was fun and liked to party. Sean and their partners were involved with Adler till Adler went insane. Sean used to be a pretty bad "pill bug" in that he tended to steal pills from his friends mothers medicine cabinets.

I've since evolved through many phases as an adult should. I'm not sure my comrade's did.

Stupid fucking hopewell... It pains me that I can't just hold you and even if there is a lot that I can't just make okay forus, I'd do what I could. I remember you said something in an interview about how addiction is a disease and so it shouldn't be punished. DJ, who was pursuing a political philosophy degree and who is in recovery has been discussing that with me for months. It's a painful hard subject for all but it is one where everyone has ceded some ground to one another.

I've had to learn people can come back from things and that relapses big and small are made far worse when people feel rejected by those they love, respect and rely on. So... I feel like this needs said for all our sakes: we are here for you even if you are struggling or if old problems crop up in your life again. We will help you be strong instead of picking at you for issues you are struggling with. You met us in casework. You know we have our own issues. Personally, my intake of THC is absurd and for health reasons if for no other reason at all, should be reduced. I shy away from stuff like dabs but it can be enough that it is more a hinderance than a help. Shane, as you likely already know, has arphid and other eating disorder related issues. I have, shall we call it the 'iroqouian follicular problem' without elaboration. Apparently certain populations of Saami have a similar thing going on.

If the things I remember you saying about your life are true, I assume you are nursing a lot of spiritual wounds. I take people to a place in the woods where comciousness is transferred, but ultimately I'm a guide not an enactor. If you already know of this place, and I thought you said you maybe had a bit if familiarity, then it is possible its effects are upon you. I don't know. I'll admit I'm dying to know what you have to say about the whole subject.

There are traditions which maintain that the mound building cultures found their origins around hocking hills and that the first man dwells out there and I can tell you that for what I have seen that in and of itself is quite the rabbit hole. I don't know if you went there after. I don't know the state of things. What I do know is that there is a balance between the interest you showed in us, the respect for for-thought and process which you have shown and the array of cosmic signs which point to you and in mine and Ribo's opinions, that balance is indeed struck. You are beautiful beyond either of our wildest dreams. That is something no vision or premonition or prophacy ever could've braced us for.

So... I'll look after DJ better... my heart aches and I can't imagine yours feels much better... probably feels worse... but this situation is temporary. I'll be loyal and I'll be your strength if you need when fall rolls around... provided I haven't just lost my mind and provided I'm not just spiraling off to nowhere chasing a hope... I don't assume that though... I've kind of expected friends and family to act like I'm crazy when I've tried explaining myself and I've been surprised at the patience and support I've been met with.

I know enough about getting clean and staying clean to know that boredom and rejection are a bad mix. I want you to feel welcomed at all times even at rock bottom if necessary. I want you to feel non-disposable. I'm sorry we kinda got afraid of being seen as disposable. I kind of have to live every day putting out of mind this existential crisis... mostly out of the hopes it'll be resolved soon and that my hopes and dreams are valid... You know...

You know what I say... 'chin up'

P.S. I assumed you checked and didn't think it was worth the risk, but we sent login info for an email to your brothers facebook account back in January. We said it was for emergencies only but that was kind of a polite way of saying "if you do, just don't get caught". We're in no way offended if you just decided not to take the risk, but at this point we feel like it falls to us to make sure that didn't just slip past the radar all together.

Also ps I'm in over my head with DJ sometimes... there's a generational drug abuse issue in play and he sees me as his primary role model anymore, but I've threatened to eat him for his behavior while he was on meth before too. I'm not like trained in handling addiction so at times I'm just genuinely at a loss for how to establish boundaries, to get him help or to discern what is or isn't safe behaviorally. Even if vicariously, I'd apply any advise you gave... I know this is something you know a lot about including how to be gentle about it...

Third ps: I will include a detailed explanation about the sages, a timeline of events etc tomorrow to try to help make better sense of things I've said or alluded to.